Acting defensive could be something a guy doesn’t realize he’s doing.” But you can expect to be treated with respect in your own home. “Dads really need to step up,” says Criswell. “Their message to the kids needs to be, ‘You can’t call the shots, but you really matter. And I want everyone to be happy.
This isn’t about sticking you with a new stepmom to make you unhappy. Because I love you and I love her, I really want this to work out.’ He is the coach. Nobody gets any direction without him. He defines how far the kids can push a stepmom.” Dad needs to retain the primary responsibility for his children, always.
But Stepmom needs to feel heard and empowered, too. There’s nothing worse than feeling that you’re invisible or walking on eggshells in your own home, in the space that is supposed to allow you to relax and let the stress of the day run off. What most stepfamily experts recommend is that the couple sit down and hammer out a list of household rules together that Dad then presents to the kids along with what the consequences are when they are not followed.
That way, you can feel included, but Dad still takes the responsibility (and blame) for the rules. Then Dad can say that the house rules are to be adhered to by everyone and that you, as another adult in the family, have the power to enforce them. When my husband and I first moved in together, we tried to make the household rules right away, the first month we were in the house.
We realized, however, that we didn’t know enough then about what needed to be on the list. We had to live together a bit more to figure that out. Finally, after we’d all been together in the house for almost a year, my husband and I finished our list. It includes most of the items that my husband was already enforcing with his kids, but we slowly added a few that made me feel better about living in our house. I’m a pretty laid-back gal generally, but I’ll admit there are a couple of things that drive me crazy.