Though it’s easy to feel that you don’t have any power, you do. Georgianne never thought she’d be a full-time parent to her stepchildren. “It never occurred to me that kids who lived one hundred fifty miles away would suddenly be living with me, at least not so quickly. I did see it out there as a possibility in the future, but within six months of the marriage I was a full-time stepmom.”
In Georgianne’s case, she left the primary disciplining to her husband, unless she was home alone with her stepchildren. “If I didn’t try to be a parent when they’re alone with me, they would have run right over me.” The three years she did spend with two of her four stepchildren, she put limits on the time they could spend on the phone.
She demanded they do their homework before they turned on the television. She taught them how to eat properly. Cosette, the marriage therapist, has been a stepmom of three for the past twenty years. “Stay the adult,” she advises. “Have compassion and work at maintaining that you are worthy of respect and that you respect your stepchildren. And make sure you have a husband who is supportive of you and of how you deal with the kids.”
If your husband supports you in front of the children and demands that they treat you with respect, then you’re instantly promoted in the eyes of the kids. If they know that they can’t play you against each other or sass you without getting in trouble with Dad, you stand on higher ground. Mary, the nurse and stepmother of five who waited to marry their father until they were nearly all out of the house, agrees that a husband’s support is crucial when you are relating to his children. “When I would discipline the kids, my husband would say, ‘You have to listen to Mary because she’s an adult. This is how you respect adults.’”