Hiring someone to help clean was the best gift I could ever have received. Now I give that gift to myself every summer when my stepkids move in.
When you start doing chores for people whom you don’t feel close to yet, it can feel pretty rotten, especially if they don’t treat you very nicely or if they sit on the couch and watch television while you pick up after them. “I think one of the things that can happen is stepmothers can take on a martyr complex,” says author and stepmother Anne O’Connor.
“They are doing the work and nurturing because they still have the woman’s role, so they think, ‘Of course I’ll take care of that.’ Women need to be really conscious of not doing that to themselves.” The division of labor is important so you don’t feel as if you’re turning into the family maid. Heidi felt as if she was raising her four stepchildren since she was home with them all day, but she didn’t have equal say in the bigger decisions about their welfare.
“There were times I felt totally taken advantage of and not appreciated and not understood and resentful. Luckily, I do not suffer in silence.” With the help of a therapist familiar with stepfamily dynamics, she and her husband worked out a system.
Even though she doesn’t have the final say, she at least feels her opinion counts. “I still don’t feel like I have the same authority or have the same footing that he has, but he asks my advice and consults with me about the big important things.” Really, if anyone is going to have a bit more of the workload, it’s Dad. He is, after all, the one who made the decision to have children. And so, he must take responsibility for them. In our house, my husband parents his children. He gets them ready for bed and makes sure they brush their teeth.
I say good night to them and read them bedtime stories with their dad when they’re all ready. If their rooms are messy, I might say something like, “Wow, guys, this is a mess!” But Dad is the one that says, “Clean it up.” Then I always compliment them on a cleaning job well done. You’ll notice: I don’t clean it for them.